In Soap Opera Land, even the Soaps themselves never die!

How weird is it, to have two cancelled shows back, after an extended absence? And not just any shows, either, but shows I had followed faithfully for over 30 years? Weird it is, but in some ways, it's like riding a bicycle--sort of.

First of all, the production quality of both All My Children and One Life to Live is very high. There is virtually no difference between the sets, the direction, or the acting from the original shows, with a few minor exceptions. Quibbles, really.

These are quibbles from All My Children:

Quibble #1:

For one thing, it is bothering me that in most of the sets, the exterior doors--doors that supposedly open to the outdoors--open OUT. Everybody knows that doors open IN to a room, especially those that open your home to the outdoors. Why in the world doesn't anybody notice this? Or maybe they have, but they can't afford to re-hang all the doors in all the sets?

This quibble applies to both shows, which means that the same set of construction designers and crews are working on both shows. Surely, someone with enough training to know how to hang a door also knows that they are hanging them wrong. Surely.

Quibble #2:

The sets are very limited in number, and we see the same ones, over and over again. For example: Obviously, after Marissa (on AMC) died in JR's drunken assault (5 years previously), and JR ended up in a coma after David shot him (for killing Marissa), JR and Marissa's son, AJ, moved into Adam's house. This is appropriate, as Adam is his grandfather and lives in a giant mansion, and AJ can be well-cared for by nannies and housemaids. His other grandfather, David Hayward, is unavailable--going to prison and all.

All that is fine, and perfectly reasonable. But where in the world does Miranda live? Doesn't she have her own home, with her mother, Bianca?  The only place we ever see her interacting with AJ is in AJ's room. That's OK, and understandable. But Miranda, interacting with her mother, Bianca? In AJ's room at the Chandler mansion? Really?

I'd like to see a set that is Bianca's house. And Miranda's room. With doors that open IN.  Is that too much to ask?

Quibble #3:

I understand the need for aging the kids--they needed a new generation of youngsters. But AJ and Miranda, acting like "young lovers"? If Marissa had not died, AJ and Miranda would have been raised in the same house, they would have been raised as pseudo-siblings. Eeeewww.

At least they did actually address this last week, with Bianca reminding Miranda of their closeness, and how it would have been different.

But still . . .

And finally, Quibble #4:

Billy Clyde Tuggle? Really? After all this time, he still can't act. You'd think he would have taken some acting lessons while he was stuck in Soap Opera AfterLife Limbo (nobody every really dies in Soap Opera Land). And this actor looks really, really bad. Bad. Like he's had a really hard, hard life after he lost his soap gig 20 years ago. But here we go again with him. Forced to endure his bad, bad acting in a lame storyline. Some things never change, I guess.

And now, my quibbles about the new One Life to Live:

Quibble #1:

The re-cast of Destiny Evans is extremely upsetting. A girl who was once short and round (not unpleasantly so) is suddenly, now, a foot taller, and somehow lost about 50 pounds after having a child at 18. Plus, this girl cannot act at all. Plus, when little Drew was born (during the final week of the ABC broadcast era), and his father, Matthew, actually delivered him, it was a terrifically emotional moment. Matthew, it was strongly suggested, had a change of heart after delivering his own baby. He tearfully named his child after his deceased half-brother, and seemed to immediately bond with the baby.

Now, he's heartlessly neglectful, and rude to Destiny, making time with some mystery Facebook chicky, and flirting dangerously with Dani. In the meantime, everyone in his family, and even some that aren't family, have embraced his baby with love and unconditional support. Ugh. I'm hating this storyline, already.

And while we're on the subject of Destiny and the baby: She's going to school, raising a child, refusing any help from the Buchanans, and working at night at the Banner. But she has time and energy to go out clubbing with Natalie?  And since when is Natalie all chummy with Destiny, who is 10-12 years younger? Really?

Quibble #2:

When did Natalie move back to Llanview with Liam, from London, where she presumably ran away to after receiving the pictures of John kissing Sam in Port Charles (from good old Uncle Todd, always the trader of secrets)? And didn't she and John get married, in the final episode of the ABC broadcast? Why is her babysitter calling her "Mrs. Banks"?  And why is she living in some tiny apartment, apparently forced to live on her measly salary as a Forensic Tech in the Llanview PD? Was she disinherited by Viki and Clint, or something?

And I guess Uncle Bo conveniently forgot about her history of tampering with evidence in the past, and hired her anyway?

Quibble #3:

It bugs me that nobody has even mentioned Jessica and her baby, Ryder.  Usually, we at least get some word of explanation in casual conversation. But so far, nothing. I miss them, and I want to know where they are and what's happening with them.

For both shows: There are characters I miss. In Pine Valley, Tad and of course Erica. In Llanview, besides Jessica, I also miss Brody, Rex and Gigi, Cristian, even Sean.

It's also a bit weird that we have gone from an hour-long show to less than a half-hour. It also seems to me that if I'm paying for HuluPlus, why do I still have to sit through commercials? And there's no way to fast-forward on Hulu, so I'm stuck watching commercials.

But like I said, these are quibbles, really. Mainly, I'm just really, really happy to have my shows back!

Ah, Soap Opera Land. I have missed you, my friend!

Trying to Explain is a Waste of Time

My Soap Opera Addiction

            “You sound like my father.” That was enough to shut him up. My husband hates being compared to my father.  But really, he sounded just like him. Dad’s favorite thing to say to me when I sit down to watch my soaps is, “How can an educated, intelligent woman sit still for such tripe?” Shawn had just said much the same thing to me.  My usual response is, “Because I like them.”

            And that’s what it all comes down to, basically. I’ve tried explaining that they are like novels that never end and that continually introduce new characters.  I’ve tried explaining that they make me laugh with their ridiculousness at times. I’ve tried explaining that they are my “down time” during the day, when I can just be mindless and I don’t have to be smart or “on” (that one never works because everyone who knows me knows that I expend a great deal of mental energy analyzing the storylines and character development. And since I’ve published before on the soaps, that argument doesn’t usually go over very well.) After nearly 40 years of watching these perpetual novels, though, I have given up trying to explain it to those around me who do not understand. I now simply say, “I’m watching. Deal with it.”

            I know all the marks against them. I know that their storylines can be downright ridiculous. I know that the characters are often baffling, and that the acting is sometimes really bad. I once made a list of those things that drive away the Disbelievers, those unschooled in and/or unaccepting of the vagaries of Soap Opera Land, or those who simply reject the basic premise of the genre:

• Convenient attacks of amnesia, and recoveries timed to coincide with ratings “sweeps” periods;
• Melodramatic death scenes, often that are over-the-top; also, many, many (some would say too many) instances of characters who disappear after an accident, are declared dead, and return later (usually after Pilot Season in Los Angeles is over);
• Convenient moments of eavesdropping,  hearing the absolute wrong thing, and then acting on misinformation that often leads to misunderstandings (at best) or tragedy (at worst);
• Dramatic pauses, timed for commercial breaks or weekends;
• Weddings interrupted at the altar with last-minute confessions;
• Constant paternity questions; often, on a single soap, there might be no child ever born who was conceived of two parents, AFTER marriage, who loved each other and were in an exclusive, loving, supportive relationship;
• Constant near-confessions, followed by , first, a commercial break, then an interruption (phone, doorbell, whatever), then, a change of heart and lame-sounding (to everyone except the person on the screen listening) excuse to cover up and mislead;
•  Lies, lies, and more lies (no one in Soap Opera Land every tells the truth the first time);
•  Character who “die,” only to return later (no one ever really dies in Soap Opera Land). This is separate from the annoyance described above about unrecovered bodies because when the story was actually written, the character really dies; many years and change of head writers later, though, and the character is mysteriously brought back to life for another round of shenanigans;
•  And time that stretches and changes to accommodate a storyline; for example, a pregnancy that lasts for months, or a school year that begins in October (this one was famously spoofed by that wonderful satire from the late 70s/early 80s, Soap).

My friend Robin and I began calling it Soap Opera Land to distinguish it from reality. Things happen there that are not possible in Real Life. Soap Opera Land is a place where the Physical Properties of the Universe Hold No Sway.  (We did the same thing for watching “Star Trek,” only we called it “Definitions,” such as,  a “Class M planet” means: “Looks like California.”)  In order to watch and actually enjoy soap operas, therefore, one must have no qualms or hesitations about indulging in a healthy dose of what Samuel Taylor Coleridge called the “willing suspension of disbelief.” Men in general (who are represented here by my husband and my father) and all those other non-believers out there are missing this key ingredient, without which it is impossible to enjoy the genre. 

Next time: My evaluation of the re-booted ABC soaps, All My Children and One Life to Life, in their new incarnations as online-only shows.